A love letter to 2018……

A love letter to 2018……

I don’t even know why I’m calling this blog post “A love letter to 2018” consider this year was nothing short of a nightmare. Maybe I’ll change the title by the time I post this or this post will actually end up being a love letter to this horrible year……..who knows?

2018, what can I say about this year other that it sucked. I felt like I wasn’t truly living during most of it. I was just going through the motions, trying to survive.

Adjusting to not having my mum has been so difficult. And I was doing it with out any of my two sisters. One of them was in the same boat as me, alone but in a totally new environment (university) without any family to help her through. My other little sister well, she got adopted by a cousin of ours and let’s just say it’s been hard for me to adjust to that.

Getting to know my family without my mum around has been really eye opening. She really shielded us from a lot of their toxic-ness (Now for my family members who gasped while reading that or were shocked, I’m talking about you! For those of you who aren’t sure just keep reading). It also took me a while to see them for who they really are because 1, they are good at pretending and I was blinded by grief and b, they’ve really been on their best behavior to my face, they do the shady things behind my back. All of their actions towards me and my sisters since my mum died have been for their benefit. I’ve come to realize that just because you are bonded by blood or genetics doesn’t mean those people have your best interest at heart much less even like you.

Now, not all of my family is like that. It’s funny because the people I least expected and the ones I wasn’t that close to when my mum was alive are the one that are my biggest supporters and have my back! I love you guys!!

My friends have also turned into my family. Some of them have always been but this year I saw these people go to bat for me. They’ve been there for me through the highs and the lows of this year and I’m just hoping I was there for all of them too! I love you guys so much!!

So having lived through my worst fear (losing my mum) ideally I should be fearless, I’m not but I should be. That’s what’s supposed to happen when you overcome your worst fear but in this case I had no choice but to overcome. I will say though, I’ve done things this year that absolutely terrified me a couple of years ago.

    I drive, by myself, with no one else in the car, all the time now!!
    I do things by myself now. Like I’ll take myself out to eat, or to the movies or shopping.
    I started acting again!! You can check out some of my work on my Instagram page!!
    I also started making clothes for other people!! Zapadera has existed for a while now but I just used to make clothes for myself and my sisters. This year I pushed it and made clothes for quite a number of people!! Zapadera has had a great year!!

Well there you have it. Even though this year sucked and I was battling depression and anxiety throughout it, I still managed to make this post in to a love letter. I really though I was just going to rant and complain……

Anyway, 2018 it’s been real but it’s time to see what 2019 has in store for me. I have a feeling it’s going to be amazing!!


  1. Clare
    December 31, 2018 / 10:26 pm

    The best of 2019

    • kutashanina
      December 31, 2018 / 10:48 pm

      Here’s to 2019 🥂

  2. Sanyu
    January 4, 2019 / 9:42 am

    So so proud of you. keep on keeping on.

    • kutashanina
      January 11, 2019 / 4:57 pm


  3. Sheila
    January 11, 2019 / 3:51 pm

    We love you mostest baby sister 😡

    • kutashanina
      January 11, 2019 / 4:58 pm

      Love you too 💕

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